Hardships, Healing and Aha! Moments
"You're too sensitive."
I can't quite remember the number of times in my life that I've heard these words. Up until the present day, I couldn't understand how to master my emotions let alone keep them from disrupting my life. It wasn't a lack of awareness. As an only child, I spent what felt like infinite amounts of time alone with my thoughts and in reflection. It felt like the tools were so readily available to me but I was never able to put the pieces together and apply them to my life effectively.
It wasn't until one recent night when I experienced my very own life-altering "Aha!" moment.
I had been going through a very emotionally testing time in my life. Months of ups and downs. Countless lonely nights. A few anxiety attacks - an entirely foreign experience to me. More tears shed than one probably should in a lifetime. Too many smiles that didn't reach my eyes. I was exhausted. My life felt hopeless. I was lost. I felt zero motivation and negative respect for myself.
Rewind a couple of months, I had hit a version of what I would call my rock bottom. This is when the anxiety crept up into my life. I would spend days (yes, days) not moving from my bed. I looked awful. I felt awful. I became a recluse who would sometimes sleep fifteen hours then be awake twenty-six. I'm not sure how I even managed to do any work at all. (For those who don't know, I have worked remotely for the past few years.) One day I just couldn't take it anymore. It truly felt like my entire being was a shell of my former self.
In hindsight, this was the moment my resilience kicked in. My soul was begging me not to live this way any longer. My eyes were burning and I was chronically dehydrated. I reached out to a dear friend and finally spilled my contents. His advice to me: "You can't do it alone. You shouldn't. Open up to people and you will heal." That moment led to a few more candid conversations with other people I felt compelled to open up to. Within minutes I felt a huge weight had been lifted off my heart. It was strange and a little confusing. My problems hadn't been fixed yet I suddenly felt better! I didn't understand it but I was grateful to feel some relief. From that day forward I swore to no longer live my life trying to carry the weight of the world on my own.
In complete honesty the past few weeks had been really tough. I felt like I was being tested in ways that left me feeling that there had to be something I'd done in a past life to deserve it. Better equipped with new wisdom, I reached out to trusted friends again and tried to navigate my heavy heart. I was barely treading water but I refused to ever go back to the dark hell I lived in a few months back. It was during this time that a change happened.
I was introduced to a spiritual healer on Instagram. She spoke in a way that a big sis would. The kind sis who shows you tough love and tells it to you straight how it is. (I think it's important to mention that I was not previously a particularly religious or spiritual person in terms of practice.) I wouldn't say that the guidance she put out into the universe offered new concepts. Whether it was the way it was presented to me or the mindset I was in - perhaps a combination of both - something changed within me that I was totally unprepared for. I ugly cried over so many of her captions and readings. How was she reading my thoughts? How was expressing with such clarity the things that spoke so deeply and accurately to my current situation? Call it a sign from the universe, perfect timing, or whatever else you like. This, my friends, was my Aha! moment.
I buried myself in all of her content. I dug deeper into concepts of self-love, empowerment, energy, and healing. Suddenly abstract concepts I could never fully grasp made so much sense. From zero to one hundred I had gone from a deeply heavy heart to a feeling of peace and acceptance. Honestly, it is as weird as it sounds. My entire perspective on life shifted. Things became clear even where there was uncertainty. Where I felt hurt I suddenly felt lighter. I finally understood how to use all the tools I collected over the years.
Slowly but surely I applied this new mindset to my daily life. Wounds were not healed overnight. I had some good days and quite a few bad days still. But the demons I had fought so hard against for years seemed to be quieting their voices. Feelings of purpose and motivation built a fire in my belly seemingly out of thin air. I energetically chose forgiveness over anger and truly believed in it. This ability to have honest conversations I could have never been able to have in the past had become a daily part of my healing.
Where does all of this bring me today? I made it a personal mission to embrace vulnerability by putting it out into the universe and setting it free. During this process, I was completely blown away and humbled by the response of so many friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. Many reached out to give love. Others were candid about their own personal struggles. Some even reached out to me for guidance. (What is life.) The more transparency and positive energy I shared, the more people responded to me. The experience opened my eyes to possibilities I would have never envisioned for myself.
So, here I am. My name is Jessica. I am a woman of complexity, beauty, grace, strength, resilience, softness, empathy, intelligence, sensuality, and so much more. A woman who is imperfect but devoted to personal growth and paving my own path in this little life journey. I am not a guru. I am not an expert. I'm just someone who not-so-accidentally discovered a passion for living with purpose, truth, and with love. I hope to be of assistance to others who are looking to do the same.
May you surround yourself with the best of what speaks to your soul. Top-shelf stuff. Every day. That's the kind of living I'm talking about. :)
Life can be sticky, right? Let's start the dialogue! Let me know you've stopped by and leave me a note in the comments. Tell me what brought you here and how you are feeling today. Can't wait to catch up!